I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase, “fake it till you make it.” That’s what came to mind when I found myself in the dumps yesterday. I’ve been fighting some inner struggles with my depression, thyroid and general super exhaustion. My fatigue got so bad yesterday that I couldn’t make it through the work day. So, I logged off at 12pm, and crawled into bed.
At my age, this shouldn’t be my life. I shouldn’t feel so drained and out of it that my bed is my happy place. But, it’s become just that. I can go to sleep, wake up an hour or two later and yet STILL feel like I haven’t slept. It’s a crappy way to live. In all honesty, it flat out sucks. I want to live my life “normally,” (well, whatever that is for me, ha) wake up each day ready to work and do what I have to do. When you feel drained of energy, it becomes a fight with yourself. My body is fighting with me to feel good and live my life in some sort of happy way.
I don’t know if my extreme exhaustion has to do with the depression, thyroid or something else entirely. Being so fatigued is always what beats me down to my core. I can handle and deal with a lot, but not being able to function during the day and my body wanting to sleep when it shouldn’t is hard. I know I’ve gone through fatigue before, but it always feels like it’s worse than previous experiences. I’m sure it’s not any worse than I have pushed through previously, but dang does it get me.
The depression issues themselves are also at a point where they need addressing again. I am numb. Numb to just about any and everything happening around me. Emotions are hard to come by lately. I don’t feel sad, nor do I feel happy really. I find myself kind of in a funk where my daily routine comes in. It’s almost like I feel like some kind of zombie just rolling out of bed every morning and getting things done because that’s the way it is. While those sorts of days come along, it shouldn’t be everyday.
I am priding myself on being honest here on my blog, that wasn’t always an easy thing to do. I want to be someone others can feel inspired by, but I’m nowhere near perfect. I’m blessed in a lot of ways, but we all have hardships. Some are more physically visible, while others are “invisible illnesses” like I have. God has been amazing in my life and I know these issues that I deal with are for a reason. It can be hard to understand why at times, but I have to let my faith in Him guide me. I am also thankful to have some great people in my life who have and continue to support and be there for me when I need prayers or just someone to talk to.
This morning, I had a eye-opening experience during my run. One of the girls wanted to run a longer interval than we have been doing lately consistently. It was a push for me, but I didn’t give up even though my legs wanted to do just that. By the end of the 3 miles, it became clear to me how that run was a metaphor for what I’m going through right now. I was leaving my comfort zone with the run, pushing myself. Life’s hard times can be a push when the going gets tough. I need to remember how strong I truly am. Heck, I’m a marathoner… if I can run 26.2, I can do anything…with God’s help of course. 🙂
Going forward, I’m adopting the saying, faith it till you make it. With God, all things are possible! I truly believe that.