This year has been full of ups and downs. I go from highly optimistic and full of smiles to doubts and disappointments depending upon the day. For the most part, I try to keep my head up, knowing that God will continue to take care of me and my faith will carry me through.
You’d think that right now I would be on cloud 9, excited that the 2017 TCS NYC Marathon is in 20 days. I am excited, but I’m also tired and starting to question myself. I have started asking myself things like, ‘why didn’t I get better control over my eating and lose the few pounds I wanted to?’ Or, ‘I should have gotten a better handle on my finances this year.’
The whole weight loss and body stuff is a constant in my life. For so long, I kept all 80lbs off that I lost by the end of 2009, but in the last couple of years, 5-8lbs have creeped back on. I’m not where I was weight-wise that I was when I did the 2015 NYC Marathon. I so wanted to get back to that, or at least close to it. But, it just didn’t happen. It’s all about food, you can work out 5-6 days a week, but if you don’t make sure your nutrition is on point, you can still gain, or at least you aren’t going to lose anything, that’s for sure.
Having to move four times this year hasn’t helped stability in my life. I have gone from living with a friend 45 minutes away from my running group, to living with my parents for a month, to finding a place I thought would be great, then having to move two months later. I’m thankful that my current residence seems to be working out. I attribute that to God. He allowed a friend to help when another friend of hers was looking for a room-mate. My current landlord/roomie is a Christian filled with faith and I just love that. She is incredibly sweet and we talk about the Lord every day. Such a blessing.
Nothing has gone the way I had thought it would go in 2017. And, you know what? I have to believe that it was meant o be that way. God directs my path, and while I don’t always understand why things happen or don’t happen (not sure I ever will), I do believe that God is in charge of my life. Things may have been hard at times, but I have to believe that He knew I would be strong enough to push through whatever the issue might be. Sometimes, I admit I wonder if God believes in me too much. I mean, when I’m in my bedroom, crying into my pillow, how strong am I really?
God doesn’t make mistakes though, He knows what we are capable of. He is all knowing. Thankfully, those weak moments that I have are few and far between. When I question myself and my life, I know it’s just negativity. It’s not from Him. When I’m looking in that mirror thinking I look bad, that I’m not beautiful, that is not true. That’s the world, the enemy in my head. I’m nowhere near perfect, but I’m not my struggles. I’m just me, an imperfect beautiful creation.
I’m going to be praying to keep the enemy at bay. He is not invited and I only want God within me, and in my life. His blessings have gotten me this far, and it’s because of God that I’m going to be running my dream race again on November 5th. He makes all things possible!